i dont understand how someone can be so sure of something. and it be so untrue.

i feel so dumb. and hurt. still. and i hate that. i wish i could just stop caring. really truely. i just want to be happy with what im given. ive lost sight of that some how and i NEED to get it back. i still miss him. but as i have said before i miss the him he was a year ago. something tells me HES never going to be HIM again. that hurts to. it makes me sad. im ready for god to really show me what he wants me to do. really really god. im ready. please. please. i need this. i need something from you right now because im so lost. everything seems to be colapsing. are you trying to show me that i was on my way to doing the same thing with charly with nick? pleeeease. help me understand what this mess of a life i am living. i know you are in control. and i know that everything happens for a reason. but i NEED reassurance right now. i need to know whether im doing the right thing with charly and with nick. i neeeed your help. pleeeease. i need you to calm my fears and my heart. help me to be myself and let things happen for me. help me to let you guide me to whats best. father please. show me the lesson here because i dont see it. i know im probably blind to it but please open my eyes and my mind and my heart to you right now. im turning to you for guidance. you have always been there before and i know youre here still. and im trying to be patient but its hard lord. give me the patience to wait if need be. lord i trust in you with all my heart in soul. please lord i want to give of you all my heart. help me to do that. help me to follow your word and your guidance. help me to see what i need and who i am. help me. please. lord i know that there are bigger things in this world and i know that i have gone through harder times but for some reason i cant figure this one out on my own. i NEED you. i always do and always will. im keeping my eyes open and my heart listening for you lord. im ready when you are.

la