i dont understand how after all the lies he told and how much he hurt me i can still love him. and how my heart can still ake. and how i can still miss him.

i say that i wouldnt ever take him back but honestly i dont know if i would be strong enough to say no. i guess i know that i really loved him enough to work through all this crap and that i wouldnt have given up on him. but come on now its been almost three months. why is this taking so long. i guess because i still feel like this i start thinking crazy things like maybe we are supposed to be together in the end and that God is working something. but i dontknow if i just keep thinking that because its easier than thinking it really over. but i know it over i mean i feel like its over. but then i just start thinking like i did tonight. i mean why do i still feel like this. honestly i wish i knew. because i think if i knew i could stop feeling like this.

i also just feel really alone. i mean im not alone i have wonderful friends but im just missing having someone really love me like he did or like i thought he did. i just feel this hole in my heart that can only be filled with love. i just love love and being in love and think that it made my life more complete and i want that feeling again. i just feel like ive tried everything to get over him and dont know what else to do. i mean ive liked other guys but its just different and they seemed to fall through and nothing happened. sooo what am i supposed to do here. im so lost im so confused im soooo hurt still. i just wish i knew what to do. i wish i could do ANYTHING to change all of this. i would do ANYTHING to not still love him. i guess its just time but its just taking sooo long. i wish i knew what all this meant. i guess someday i will its all in Gods plan and you cant always see what hes working in your life as its happening. i trust in him and know everything will fall into place whatever that is.

la