im soooo mad.

im so mad that the fact that HE is in my past it will keep you from dating me.

dont get me wrong i competely understand that because you have to "lead" him and whatever but it just makes me mad that in some way HE still has a hold on MY life and what I do. i feel so stuck because of him. its like nothing has ever changed. he still has some control over me and my life and that just pissed me off. its like no matter what i do hes still there hes always there.

i wish we could just be together. i wish the timing WAS right. but i know that its not and i know that HE is not the only thing keeping us apart. but the fact that he is a factor even if its minut it absolutely kills me. i just want to yell at him. tell him that he still isnt letting me go. but i just dont know what i should do right now. im at a loss. i know that if we are supposed to be together it will happen and somethings tells me it still might. but i also know that it wont be for a very very long time. which is hard for me. i know you are torn about all of this too i can see it when you look at me the way you flirt with me the way you still kiss me. sooo here i am. torn in so many directions. i know and trust that whats meant to happen will. but sometimes it just get sick of him. and sick of this way he has still found this control over me. 

im going to take some time to think through what i need to do. but i just wish that this wasnt so hard. i wish i could just be happy with him. and things would be fine. we would be happy and forget about my past. but i guess we cant do that so. i will figure something else out for now. i figure i have to.