i miss you.

like crazy today.

i think its because i was sitting here and all i could think about is how different things would be if we were together.

please tell me you miss me too. more than just a body miss me miss ME. who i am. who i was. who you loved.

but i know you dont.

everytime you call me babe its like another stab in my heart.

everytime you rub my elbow its like i was just punched in the stomach.

everytime you look in my eyes like you used to i feel like youre ripping my heart in two.

everytime you ask to kiss me it gets harder and harder to say no.

because God knows a part of me still loves you.

and God knows i hate that part of me so much right now.

but the thing is you are a conceided asshole. you care about no one else but yourself.youre immature. you are faithless. you are no longer kind. you are cocky.

you used to be so loving. of everyone. you used to care more about everyone else than yourself. you used to care about ME and want to take care of me for the rest of my life. you used to be such a beautiful person. you used to be a man of God.

i hope that God will make you into that beautiful man that i know is in you somewhere. and i hope that he blesses someone amazing with you and you with someone amazing. but i just cant let that person be me. i know i should forgive you but i just dont know if i can. you hurt me in so many ways. i just cant. and if i did it would be YEARS from now. and i just dont see that anymore. i just dont. and i know you dont either. at least thats what you have shown me lately. please wake up and realize who you are hurting. because it is those people that would have been there for you for the rest of your life. and now you have lost them. and me. im your friend. im here for you whenever you need me. but i cant be there as more than a friend im sorry. but i will not let it happen again. i wont. you know that i wont. so please stop trying to string me along. i think this will be easier when i dont have to see you as much this summer. i hope. i just need this to be easier. please stop reminding me of the amazing man i loved. because hes gone. hes gone and he will never come back.

i need this to stop hurting now. please.

please.

ps. we should have been at that concert together tonight. it would have been amazing. but im ready for someone new to open up my eyes. i really am. please.

please.

i still cant get it through my mind how different things are now.

i just cant.

this time a year ago. i was with him at his grandfathers funeral. he sang. it was beautiful and i cried.

he told me we would get married in that church.

ugh. it just makes me sad that something that WAS so good had to end. but its all in Gods plan i know that. but its ok for me to remember the good times and smile right.

im ready for the BIG love. im done with the tester version.

im not sure who that BIG love will be with but im excited to find out.

i hope its you.

only time will tell.

LA 

i dont understand how someone can be so sure of something. and it be so untrue.

i feel so dumb. and hurt. still. and i hate that. i wish i could just stop caring. really truely. i just want to be happy with what im given. ive lost sight of that some how and i NEED to get it back. i still miss him. but as i have said before i miss the him he was a year ago. something tells me HES never going to be HIM again. that hurts to. it makes me sad. im ready for god to really show me what he wants me to do. really really god. im ready. please. please. i need this. i need something from you right now because im so lost. everything seems to be colapsing. are you trying to show me that i was on my way to doing the same thing with charly with nick? pleeeease. help me understand what this mess of a life i am living. i know you are in control. and i know that everything happens for a reason. but i NEED reassurance right now. i need to know whether im doing the right thing with charly and with nick. i neeeed your help. pleeeease. i need you to calm my fears and my heart. help me to be myself and let things happen for me. help me to let you guide me to whats best. father please. show me the lesson here because i dont see it. i know im probably blind to it but please open my eyes and my mind and my heart to you right now. im turning to you for guidance. you have always been there before and i know youre here still. and im trying to be patient but its hard lord. give me the patience to wait if need be. lord i trust in you with all my heart in soul. please lord i want to give of you all my heart. help me to do that. help me to follow your word and your guidance. help me to see what i need and who i am. help me. please. lord i know that there are bigger things in this world and i know that i have gone through harder times but for some reason i cant figure this one out on my own. i NEED you. i always do and always will. im keeping my eyes open and my heart listening for you lord. im ready when you are.

la 

im so lost.

im so confused.

i feel hurt but for no reason.

i feel torn into a million pieces.

i cant lie to myself i wanted to kiss him.

i cant lie to myself it felt good to be in his arms again.

i cant lie to myself it felt good to look into his eyes again. 

but i dont want to be with him

i dont.

i cant.

i wont.

he hurt me in so many ways. and i will not let it happen again.

but im still holding on to these memories that cause me to still have these feelings like i do.

im confused because all this time i didnt think i was moving to fast and that i was ready.

but now i feel like to need to slow things down and take a step back.

but is that just because of what people are saying?!

or is it because thats what god really wants of me?!

im just so torn.

is god leading me to nick?

i felt with every bone in my body that he was leading me to charly.

but right now im just not sure about nick. that makes me hesitant.

it is terrible that i still have the tiniest feel like god MAY bring charly and i together again?!

i think thats why im torn. because i feel like if i feel like that at all i shouldnt get invovled with anyone especially nick. but i just dont know.

am i just scared to get hurt again?!

i just dont know what god wants from me in this.

i just need to spend more time praying and listening to him on this one.

“dont worry about tomorrow it will have enough worries of its own.”

Matthew 26. 

well here i am. its strange that a year ago i was raving about this love that i had. let me just say a few things about all of that.

i know that it WAS love what we had. it WAS is the key word. i think that you can love people but if that love goes away then you know that it wasnt THE love you have been waiting for. and i want to make it clear that that person that i loved is no longer the person that he is. and as sad as that is that just wasnt in Gods plan for us. and i can say honestly that i am in a much better place right now then i was a while ago. i am trying to work through everything that happened with him but a part of me is still so mad that i let him take advantage of me just the way he said he never would. and i need to make a promise to myself that i REALLY will not let that happen with someone else. because i am tired of feeling like i was being walked all over. i need to find a better balance between over controlling and overly needy. and i know that that person is out there. and i trust that i will know when that person is in my life. right now i just need to take time to figure out what i need for myself and who i am. i feel like i am at a crossroads and i need to make some big decisions. i know that nick is a good guy. but he doesnt really KNOW me yet. and i hope that once he does know me he will accept me for my flaws that i have. the strange thing is that as scared as i am to tell him everything about myself i really want to tell him everything and i mean everything as in stuff that only charly and i knew. and thats a good feeling. i think its because i really want to be completely honest with him because i feel like he deserves that because thats what i would want from him. i just feel like everything is falling into place all in its own time and i love it. its all in gods hands and trust in his plan.

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