i dont understand how after all the lies he told and how much he hurt me i can still love him. and how my heart can still ake. and how i can still miss him.

i say that i wouldnt ever take him back but honestly i dont know if i would be strong enough to say no. i guess i know that i really loved him enough to work through all this crap and that i wouldnt have given up on him. but come on now its been almost three months. why is this taking so long. i guess because i still feel like this i start thinking crazy things like maybe we are supposed to be together in the end and that God is working something. but i dontknow if i just keep thinking that because its easier than thinking it really over. but i know it over i mean i feel like its over. but then i just start thinking like i did tonight. i mean why do i still feel like this. honestly i wish i knew. because i think if i knew i could stop feeling like this.

i also just feel really alone. i mean im not alone i have wonderful friends but im just missing having someone really love me like he did or like i thought he did. i just feel this hole in my heart that can only be filled with love. i just love love and being in love and think that it made my life more complete and i want that feeling again. i just feel like ive tried everything to get over him and dont know what else to do. i mean ive liked other guys but its just different and they seemed to fall through and nothing happened. sooo what am i supposed to do here. im so lost im so confused im soooo hurt still. i just wish i knew what to do. i wish i could do ANYTHING to change all of this. i would do ANYTHING to not still love him. i guess its just time but its just taking sooo long. i wish i knew what all this meant. i guess someday i will its all in Gods plan and you cant always see what hes working in your life as its happening. i trust in him and know everything will fall into place whatever that is.

la

i wish i could show everyone who you really are. i wish they could see how youve hurt me. i wish they knew that you were to self absorbed to realize i was crying on the phone with you. but i guess from what im hearing youre doing a fine job of showing them yourself. its hard not to worry about you. i think im more worried because i know that if you do it so will those other guys that look up to so much. i wish you realized what a great example you COULD be for them. you could show them the strong man of God that is deep down inside but you wont. instead you are choosing to show this cowardly cocky jerk. i havent quite forgiven you for all the promises you have broken or the things you have said and done to make me feel like crap. but i am your friend because i know that me being angry and bitter will not change who you are. and i live knowing that one day you will realize everything. i know that you will realize what you did to hurt me and you will realize what you have lost. and im sorry that you cant see that now because i think you would learn so much more if you did. i wish you the best i really really do. i want you to be happy. i want me to be happy. but i just get sick of watching this amazing person i used to know get barried by this crappy person that makes dumb decisions.

im learning slowly how greatful i am to be out of that relationship. i want to be your friend. i hope you are in my life forever. but in a healthy friendship and nothing else.