im so done being second best. im done being left out. im done calling you my BEST friend. because you arent and havent acted like it in quite some time. you have no idea whats going on with me right now and i have no idea whats going on with you. im done. im not going to continue putting in the effort if you arent. seriously. i know i should have maybe spoke up but seriously whats the point. you KNOW things arent the same. and you have never once tried to make things like they used to be. why do i waste my time and energy. im done. dont get me wrong. were still friends. we will still hang out. but its just not the same anymore. and im sorry you pushed me away but i wont be there when lizzie drops you this fall. it sucks i thought you would be in my life forever but i would say things are slowly drifting away.

im just sick of this always losing best friends. i want to find someone that will stick with me. why am i so replaceable? ive always felt that way. there was only one person that has shown me otherwise and has told me otherwise. and he has broken my heart in two.

where am i supposed to go from here? i trust god. i know i will be taken where im meant to be. but i guess im just more ready for answers right now. i feel like i am being lead blindly and have been for a while. soo im kind of ready for some sort of reassurance. but i also know that God doesnt always work on our timeline. soo im kind of stuck and confused. i mean i guess im not confused. more just waiting. waiting for answers. for a person to show me they care about me. waiting for the man im supposed to marry. waiting for me to become the woman im supposed to be. waiting for people that will stick with me. waiting for people i can trust. waiting to show people the real me. im just waiting. waiting for life to move on from this stagnent point. waiting. waiting. thats all i can do now is wait. and heal. and work on me.

la 

im soooo mad.

im so mad that the fact that HE is in my past it will keep you from dating me.

dont get me wrong i competely understand that because you have to “lead” him and whatever but it just makes me mad that in some way HE still has a hold on MY life and what I do. i feel so stuck because of him. its like nothing has ever changed. he still has some control over me and my life and that just pissed me off. its like no matter what i do hes still there hes always there.

i wish we could just be together. i wish the timing WAS right. but i know that its not and i know that HE is not the only thing keeping us apart. but the fact that he is a factor even if its minut it absolutely kills me. i just want to yell at him. tell him that he still isnt letting me go. but i just dont know what i should do right now. im at a loss. i know that if we are supposed to be together it will happen and somethings tells me it still might. but i also know that it wont be for a very very long time. which is hard for me. i know you are torn about all of this too i can see it when you look at me the way you flirt with me the way you still kiss me. sooo here i am. torn in so many directions. i know and trust that whats meant to happen will. but sometimes it just get sick of him. and sick of this way he has still found this control over me. 

im going to take some time to think through what i need to do. but i just wish that this wasnt so hard. i wish i could just be happy with him. and things would be fine. we would be happy and forget about my past. but i guess we cant do that so. i will figure something else out for now. i figure i have to.