tonight i started thinking of how different things were a year ago. and even just how different i was a year ago or even just a few months ago. i was so sufficated not in the way that josh sufficated me but in the way that was more of an emotional suffication. he made me feel like i couldnt do anything without his approval. he continually shot me down and caused me to be so insecure. he almost made me lose touch with reality in a way and im so glad to have seen that now. im so glad to be out of that and im so glad i will now NEVER let someone do that to me again. i now know what i deserve from a guy and from the guy i want to give my heart to. there for i am now making a list of qualities i would like in the neext guy and hopefully the last guy. now im not saying that this list is something to live by because i know that God will bring me the perfect guy even if hes not “perfect” in the way of this list but i just think its important to write this stuff down with a clear mind will i have no guy to base them off of and it can just be honest.

i need a guy that will ask me how my day was.  someone who will let me be weak. someone who will “slap” me when i need it. someone who will see the small things in life. someone who will take chances with me and live life. someone who knows God truely or is well on their way to knowing God. someone who truely cares about others and helping others. someone who will know me inside and out and love me through my faults. someone who will help me to grow and grow with me. someone who support me in everything i do know matter how small it seems. someone who will nurture my spirit and not shut it down. someone who will know when im lieing and when im upset. someone who will not lie to me. someone who will want the world and find it in me.

i know that God will bless me with this man. whether he meets this list or doesnt even come close i know and trust that God will bring him to me. and i am waiting patiently and in anticipation. : ] i trust God with my heart and i trust taht God will put my heart in the right hands. and be there with us every step of he way. God has blessed me with a whole heart filled with joy right now and im so thank ful for that. life is moving in the direction its supposed to and im so blessed in so many ways. im so glad i went through what i did last year because i have grown and learned so much. i wouldnt change anything. life is short and im going to live it. and love like ive never been hurt.

la 

im not exactly sure what im here to write. sometimes i just get this urge to type. so here i am.

i think that things right now are chugging a long quite smoothly. there are bumps here or there but i do my best to over come them and always do over come them. i think that right now im a little stuck. i think that i need a new challenge. although school is quite a challenge and working things out for me is a challenge as well im feeling a little bored. yeaah i think bored is the word. im needing a little more from God right now. dont get me wrong i love where im at and i trust God with everything but i guess i just need a little more from him right now. because with this new attitude of me letting things happen with the guidance of God ive found myself not doing anything…kind of. im not sure i can explain it exactly but i need something. something new. something exciting. i want God to open my eyes. i want God to give me this new exciting thing that i felt coming all summer. God i trust you with this. and i know that you work on a timeline of your own and will bring this to me when you know im ready. but i feel more and more ready everyday. i have felt really ready since about two weeks ago and have never realized i wasnt since then. ive been praying and thinking and trusting God for so long and im trusting that you will show me what this is all coming to. the reason for this reassurance i had so blindly. this blindness is begining to be harder to keep a live and if i cant see what is working and coming and happening lord then i pray that maybe you can lift my spirits again to where they were a couple weeks or even just a week ago. i know you love me but help me to know your love more closely help me to see your love in my life more and help me to feel your love daily. God ive learned so much of who i am but now i want to know more of who you are. i want to know more of where your taking me and i cant wait for you to show all this to me. father i know you will take care of all my needs and will take care of these that i have no part in without my asking and knowing and on your timeline that you see fit for me. i trust you. lord like i have never trusted you in my life and i know when im truely ready things will happen.