sometimes i hate how scared i am. when he looks at me so lovingly and i just melt but why does it always make me run. after times like that i always start churnning ridiculous thoughts in my head. why am i running from someone who is treating me as i deserve to be treated. why am i so damn scared. hes not. i mean i guess maybe a part of him is but from what i can tell hes not wracking his brain like this at 230am on a saturday night. stupid. why am i so scared. i want to say its because i have had my heart broken before but i think thats a load of bullshit. because i didnt have my heart broken more then i was just used and mistreated which still sucks but is a much different thing. why am i scared. what leads me to think and think and think like this. when something that seems so right is going so well. nothing in the last 48 hours of being with him would make me think that he doesn’t care for me so why do i still trigger thoughts like this. stupid. i am a strong intelligent beautiful young woman and i know that he sees that in me. i know that about myself so why cant i just trust and beleive that he really loves me. because i can see it in his eyes that he does and in his smile and his words. in his kisses and his hugs. is it because hes leaving soon? maybe but there is no doubt in my mind that we will be just fine with distance. i guess my only thought is that im scared it is as real as it is…sounds weird huh. its just that if he really does love me like i feel like he does then that means a lot of scary real life stuff. and i havent opened myself up to man y people. opening up is scary. trusting him is not i trust him i know i do. maybe i dont trust myself. i think that im scared that im going to mess this up. i guess at its root this is all about confidence. and i know that that is an easy trigger for me. i know that when satan is really trying to give me a jab thats where he gets me. but i also know that what attracted him to me was my confidence and i know that he sees that in me. he is an amazing guy his heart is so big and he just knows what hes doing all around. i cant automatically assume hes going to just drop me. thats stupid and not true. i know that in my heart i just have to fight through my head i suppose…i hate when i do this. i hate even more that he is leaving on friday and i dont know when i will see him next. but thats not what important whats important is the time i get to spend with him this week and the great summer we had together. this is scary but i want to do this i want to get over this hump. i want to trust in him with everything i have and i want to give him everything i am. i need to admit it out loud that i am falling for him. i cant even type the word love…i can think it as much as i want but my heart gets scared to type that statement. scared but ready to leap thats where i have to be ready and open…